So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
