I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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