I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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