I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
