ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
