The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
