why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
