you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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