I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
