my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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