We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
