i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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