My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize