while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
