you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
