I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
