I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
