The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
