im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
