So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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