I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
