ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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