she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
