Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
