I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
