We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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