Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
