kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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