I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Randomize
