I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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