Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
