So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
