i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
