In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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