On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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