Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
