I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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