U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
