I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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