I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
