She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex on a dog bed..
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
