Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
