Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize