my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
