I cockslap morals
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize