My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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