If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
