bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
