I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
