I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
