i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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