I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I skipped work to stalk him.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Lo siento on account of my penis...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
