Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
