walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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