Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
