Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
