i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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