I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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