i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
