I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
