In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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