Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
two words: eviction party
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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